To Whom it may Concern

I used a Sonic original character, Stone the Wolverine, as my DA ID for months, but I decided it just didn't work for me. Thus, I made Stone a more traditional anthropomorphic wolverine, writing a "letter to the Editor" on one of those wonderful old typewriters that you just don't see anymore. No, I do not smoke, but a big 'ol stogie just seemed to come naturally to this guy.

(Warning: very foul language below)

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Dear Editor,

A few days ago, a particularly ignorant individual wrote this newspaper suggesting a new bit of legislation. If passed, this bill would legalize the hunting and trapping of wolverines within this state. As a wolverine of four years, I must strongly protest against this, and within this letter, will attempt to clear up a few myths regarding my species and its habits.

Firstly, despite the name, we are NOT related to wolves. In fact, we hate ‘em. We fuckin’ hate ‘em. You wanna know about wolves? Let me tell you the truth: Wolves are bullies. They don’t DARE attack anything bigger than half their size when they’re alone, and they’re lucky if they snag some carrion. Hell, even a human with a bow will go after a deer. Not wolves. They band together because they’ve got no fuckin’ guts at all when they’re alone. The males kill each other for dominance sometimes. They’ll even kill another male’s cubs. They prance around and look all pretty and majestic on nature specials, but you’ve never seen them killing each other over territory. Maybe that’s why you got dogs out of the mix; humans do that all the time, too.

Wolverines don’t do that. We stay apart from each other. We respect each other’s territory (well, usually). Males, females, it doesn’t matter. The mother usually raises the kits alone, but the father won’t hesitate to show up, either. We just leave each other alone; it’s best that way. We don’t bother with grace or panache, we are strictly business in everything we do.
Our scientific name is “Gulo Gulo” – it means “Glutton”. OK, I can sort of see where you’re coming from there. We will eat anything – and I do mean anything, not just meat. Fruit, vegetables, trees, rocks, steel girders, whatever. As for prey, we take ‘em down alone, too. Caribou, elk, it doesn’t matter. No, we don’t usually go after people, you’re fuckin’ disgusting. We’ll eat rotting carcasses out of a dumpster, but “McDonald’s” crap is another matter entirely.

A few more things: We are not evil. We are efficient, powerful predators, but there is not a single animal on Earth that is inherently evil (although you ugly apes are giving that rule a run for its money).

Also, we don’t exclusively live in the far north. We used to live in warmer areas, until you assholes kicked us up to where it was too cold for most of you. Hell, we used to live in southern France, for God’s sakes! We like the cold, we love the winter, but we don’t mind warmer climes either.

We are not stupid, either. In fact, we’re pretty damn smart. We don’t run mazes (why do that when you can chew through the wall?) or push buttons, but we can remember where a trap is so we can check it for prey later. Hell, I’m typing this up on a typewriter and mailing it to you, ain’t I?

Finally, a word of advice: We are not “Cute”. Got it? We don’t appreciate being called “cute”. Our thick fur is used for warmth, and we just don’t happen to be very big. We don’t like being called “cute”, all right? And so help me, if you try to pet one of us, you’re going to lose a hand. Or an arm. Or a jugular. We’re not real particular on the finer points.

Finally, I hope your species and mine can live in – if not peace, at least mutual respect. Most of us in the animal kingdom want that more than anything, all right? Mutual respect.

Respectfully yours,

Stone the Wolverine